A chapter of my life has ended. The story began about 46 years ago with the commencement of a long, but complicated, relationship.
My undergraduate degree in music education with a minor in Special Ed led me toward a foreseeable step to music therapy. After teaching public-school music I was going for a 2nd degree. My friend, Shelley Samet, was an early innovator and author in the music therapy field. That year she was an instructor at SUNY-New Paltz. I was not to know that I would rather soon abandon music therapy, but not my nascent friendship.
We have been players in each other’s life performances ever since. Being of quite different natures, we have described ourselves as sisters. Often nit-picky, or difficult sisters, but always loving ones.
Fast Forward
Time passed. This summer saw the death of my longtime sister-friend. However, unlike many who suffer the loss of a loved-one suddenly, I was able to spend a good deal of time with her.
We relived our many trips and adventures together, commiserated over politics and deliberated about life in general. Of course, concentration on disease, treatment and caregiving were in the mix, but not the parts that will stick with me.
Shelley trusted rarely, and then only “to a point.” Being an extremely private person, when she shared with you, it was an honor. I knew I was one of the very few so honored in her life. I wanted to make the most of this one last time.
After her diagnosis, in the years before her death, I started composing and collecting questions to discuss with those dying. Not the kind for terminally ill that encourage “get-your-affairs-in-order.” Instead, questions to help celebrate and chronical the significant highlights and small remembrances of one’s life.
Frankly, I was surprised Shelley was enthusiastic to play my “good memory trip” game. During her last weeks, this proved to be some of the times when she was most animated. THAT is what will stick with me.
Sharing Life Stories
I have no intention of sharing Shelley’s stories with you. I’ll respect her guarded personality, as well as her wish to share discriminatively. Furthermore, her stories were a gift to me, just as I hope mine were to her (yes, I ‘traveled’ along with her).
Instead, I am going to share my list of questions so that you, or those you share this with, will have it on-hand if the need ever arises. Perhaps my themes are just the beginning, and you will add others meaningful for you. For Shelley and I, each topic took on a life of its own – jumping from one thought, or time frame, to others. Threads of the memory tapestry weaving in and out.
Realize you may not get to each ‘trip.’ I didn’t. Looking back, I wish I had gone out-of-order to pick certain ones at the end. A good lesson for others.
It might go without saying that you don’t want to emphasize that these are for a person on their death bed. Consider it said, nevertheless. Each query is purposefully calculated to reflect back in time, instead of the painful present or short-term future. I accentuated that with my own recounting as well.
I am somewhat ashamed that I can’t (now) remember each of her recollections. Still, I suspect that isn’t the greatest value in exploring these trips. I know I heard and captured the spirit for sure.
Be gentle. Don’t Rush. And remember that sharing your own stories is part of the process of a relationship.
Good Memory Trips
In case you baulk at the idea that this has any reference to “Aging with Pizzazz,” let me disagree. Being able to make the most of the time with someone close to you who is dying allows us special, intimate memories. It also grants them the avenue to recount their life to another.
Further, it’s a good reminder to appreciate our OWN time, as we age. It may inspire us to use that always-too-limited time in the fullest ways we can.
Since I developed this list with Shelley in mind, this is her gift to you. I trust you won’t need the list soon but hope it will serve you when it’s appropriate.
Good Memory Trip
- When was the first time you remember laughing?
- What was your favorite trip? (Exploring) What was your favorite vacation? (Relaxing)
- What was your favorite FAMILY vacation?
- Who was your best friend in grade school? High school? College?
- When was the first time you can remember just loving a particular food?
- What was your favorite game as a child?
- What personality trait of a relative do you remember admiring?
- What was your favorite animal? Talk about them. If it was a pet, what was its name?
- When was the first time you ever went swimming?
- How did you learn to drive a car? __ Tell me about your first car.
- What was your first GOOD date?
- What was your first job?
- What was your favorite job?
- How did you decide on a career? How did you (IF you did) decide to change careers?
- If you could have had a different career (anything), what would it have been?
- Talk about your favorite person you had a romantic involvement with?
- If you can remember dreams, what good dreams come to mind?
- When you purposefully try to relax and smile, what thoughts does it bring to mind?
- What was your favorite accomplishment, no matter what someone else would say it was?
- What physical activity have you enjoyed the most? Talk about one example of it.
- Did you ever play a sport on a team?
- What TV shows made an impression on you as a kid?
- What is your earliest memory of being out in nature?
- Did you ever make a craft that you were proud of? Did you ever give a craft to someone?
- What is the best thing a parent ever said to you other than I love you?
- How would you physically describe your childhood home – what was your favorite place in it?
- Where did your parents (and/or grandparents) grow up? How did they make a living?
- Do you know any stories of their courtship and marriage?
- What special memories do you have of your parents and grandparents?
- What was your earliest childhood memory?
- Was there someone other than a family member, who greatly influenced the course of your life?
- What do you remember best about playing a musical instrument?
- Do you consider yourself a person of the ocean or the mountains? City or Country?
- What chores did you have to do growing up?
- Did you have any hobbies besides playing a sport or musical instrument?
- Did you ever do anything really crazy like a college prank or practical joke?
- What is the most trouble you ever got into at school?
- What do you consider the most risky moment (or decision) you’ve faced?
- Who was your favorite teacher?
- What philosophy was prevalent in your childhood home – “it takes a village” or “pull yourself up by your own boot-straps?” Did it stick with you?
- Do you remember a favorite toy?
- What words would others used to describe you – as a kid? As an adult?
FINAL THOUGHT
As a private joke with Shelley, it’s no coincidence that the number of this list is 42. Still, you may have other, or more appropriate, questions for someone you know well.
And to everyone, here is wishing you the time for extra momentous and evocative ‘trips’ with someone special in your life.
–Credit: Image by Steve Bidmead from Pixabay
It’s a great list, Barbara, with usefulness in any number of ways — e.g. parents with grown children (or younger, with modifications), or among a group of friends, or even for using some chosen ones as an ice-breaker. Great way to promote trust, especially if the sharing induces laughter. Once again, I’m so sorry for the loss of such a special person in your life.