We need this. Time for 101 little smiles
If I could take a survey, I bet that the most common one-word answer to a word-association game starting with “Dad jokes and Mom Jeans” would be “Obama.” During the Obama presidency the ridicule about him wearing “mom jeans” was common. The fact that I didn’t really get the joke, I fear says something revealing about me.
During the same time his ‘dad jokes’ became popular all over the web. Can’t say I have a definition of a mom-joke, but ubiquitous dad-jokes are clear. This type of joke is one with a predictable punchline or a play on words like a pun. My friend Rich is a master. Dad jokes are wholesome in nature, befitting the kiddies. While generally met with groans and eye rolling, there is a sense of endearment, even if they are corny and not funny (aside from the humor created watching reactions).
While Malia and Sasha Obama may have felt very alone in their suffering over publicly-humiliating dad-jokes, president Obama was not the source of the original coining of the term. The first known use of the designation was around 1987, although Marian Webster didn’t announce it until 2019. In honor of National Humor month (April), I figured it might be more fun to use examples instead of descriptions. There’s no sense in trying to attribute these to anyone in particular; you may have thought they originated with your family. In fact, they are simply part of our national humor lexicon.
Believing in the old adage that “laughter is the best medicine,” I hope a few moments reading these will reduce your stress and bring a little delight in dark times.
So here goes. Hope there is enjoyment amongst the groans and eye-rolls.
Dad Jokes
- Grocery clerk to Dad “Would you like your milk in a bag?”
Dad: “No, just leave it in the carton!” - Lady at the fast food counter to Dad “Any condiments?”
Dad: “You look very nice today!” - Did you hear the rumor about the shortage of butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
- Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
- Kid: “Dad, can you put my shoes on?”
Dad: ‘I’ll try, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.” - Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. The same guy married an invisible woman, but the kids were nothing to look at either.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
- I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
- A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?” [drb: Think about it. ]
- What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a throat lozenge? Because he was a little horse!
BTW, did you hear that the guy who invented Lifesavers made a mint?- Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.
- My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
- A jumper cable walks into the bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Later, a ham sandwich walks into the same bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.” - I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
- Kid: “Dad, have you been like this your whole life?”
Dad: “Not yet.” - Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
- Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.- I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
- The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
- What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine
- Kid: “Dad, did you get a haircut?”
Dad: “No I got them all cut.” - You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
- Dad: “hey, kiddo, do you know how many apples grow on a tree?”
Kid: “no”.
Dad: “All of them.” - I heard there was a new store called “Moderation.” They have everything there. [drb – one of my favorites.]
- A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
- What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.
- I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
- A red ship and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
- Dad: “I like to follow laws, so I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans who I know from my mobile phone.”
Teen: “Why”?
Dad: “Now it’s Hans free.” - How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
- Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls.
….. 
Phone rings. Dad instructs “If it’s for me don’t answer it.”- How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
- Pointing to the graveyard, Dad says, “‘do you know why I can’t be buried there?”
Kid: “Why not?”
Dad: “Because I’m not dead yet…..
But it looks overcrowded…… People must be dying to get in there.” - Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
- Dad: “I used to work at the calendar factory.”
Kid: “What happened? “
Dad: “I got the sack because I took a couple days off
………….but that isn’t as bad as my friend who stole a calendar.”
Kid: “Why?”
Dad: “He got 12 months.” - The rotation of earth really makes my day.
- Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
- Dad helping with math: “did you know the difference between a numerator and a denominator is a very short line?”
Teen: “ugh”.
Dad: “Only a fraction of people will understand that.”
Teen: “double ugh.”
Dad: “well 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.”
Teen: “Stop it.”
Dad: “Don’t be like that, after all without geometry life is pointless.” - Why is Peter Pan always flying? He never lands!
- I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.
- Kid: “I’ll call you later.”
Dad: “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad.” - How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.
- I don’t play soccer because I excel in the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
- Did I ever tell you that the time I fell in love with your mother I was doing a backflip? I was heels overhead.
What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”- If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down.
- What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
- Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
A: You spend too much time on the web. - Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
- I went to the zoo the other day; there was only one dog in it. It was a shihtzu.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Q. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A. About 5000 miles - How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- Upon kid doing anything smart, many dads are known to say “Wow, you’re a fart smella…I mean smart fella.”
- My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
- A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere.
- Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
- Do you know how you organize an outer space party? You planet.
- Q. What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
A. Nobody nose. - What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
- Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
- Dad “my bicycle won’t stand on its own.”
Kid: “Why not?”
Dad” “it’s two tired.” - There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
- What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
- Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where’s popcorn? - What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? “Bison.”
- Q. What did the 0 say to the 8?
A. Nice belt. - Kid: “Hold on, I have something in my shoe”
Dad: “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot” - I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
- I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
- Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
- “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places”
Doctor: “Well don’t go to those places.” - A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
- I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
- Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
- Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
- I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
- Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota.
- If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
- I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
- I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
- Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time. - What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
- Kid: “Dad, what’s your favorite joke?”
Dad: “You.” - I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted.
- Dad: “On a sunny day like today, I don’t trust those trees, kiddo.”
Kid: “Why Not?”
Dad: “They look kind of shady to me.” - Did you hear the news that FedEx and UPS are merging. From now on, they’re going to be known as Fed-Up.
- A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
- I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
…..
….. - Dad: “know what Forrest Gump used as a password?”
Kid: “No”
Dad: “1forrest1″ [drb – say it out loud.] - Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. [A Lake Wobegon favorite.]
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Pictures:
Title Picture: Little girl surprised. Photo by Andre Guerra on Unsplash Neon Laugh sign Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash Telephone Photo by Elena Koycheva on Unsplash Spiral Staircase by wpclipart.com Snowpeople Photo by Jeffrey Wegrzyn on Unsplash Skelton (gray scale) Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash Snow White and Friends. Image by Walti Göhner from Pixabay Horse ‘Laughing’ Image by Liselotte Brunner from Pixabay
