A belly-laugh a day keeps the doctor away. Okay, so maybe not exactly a guarantee. Still, we recognize that we feel better when we laugh, when we smile or when we are joyful. I’m convinced it’s part of Aging with Pizzazz. You may remember my last point in Day to Reveal THE Key to Longevity suggesting that 10 minutes of a good laugh helps sleep, healing and acts as a mental health boost.
We can help others as well. Coming up on August 16th is “National Tell A Joke Day”. It’s a time my friend Rich can glow in his constant (and relentless) puns, and the rest of us may pull gags or tell a joke.
Admittedly, this is not my biggest strength. Not all of us can remember jokes or excel at telling a good story. I figured if I offered a bunch of choices, we might be able to pick ONE joke to tell that day (or any day) to make someone else smile.
Hope you find one to suit you. I apologize in advance for any which are not PC or which seems offensive. Jokes never please everyone.
Oh, So True
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. No Surprise. It was an Apple. But it had extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.
A personal favorite:
I dusted once. It came back. I’m not falling for that again.
Stuck in a parking lot, a wife calls her husband.
“The car is not starting. The dashboard is showing the sign of a person sitting on the toilet.”
Husband: “WHAT? What are you talking about?
Send me a picture.”
A young slim woman walks into a bakery where she spends minutes looking into the display cabinet. Finally, she asks, “what do you have with no fat and no sugar?” The older woman behind the counter smiles and says “napkins.”
Is the glass half full or empty? My therapist set half a glass of water in front of me and asked that question. He wanted to explore whether I was an optimist or a pessimist. I drank the glass of water, set it down and proclaimed that I am a problem solver.
Apparently, this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thunder, litnin, hytydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde. Just a really bad spell of weather.
I used spot-remover on my dog, and now he’s disappeared.
“Kids say the Darndest Things”
Remember Art Linkletter? These comments were made when the kidos were learning about the ocean.
— This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
— The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
— When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans for more wind. (William, age 7)
— Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
— If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
— A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
— Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
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Not from the kids, but FOR the kids:
Terrible Summer for Humpy Dumpty, but he had a great Fall.
Politics & So On
Bulldozer: Someone who sleeps through political speeches.
A local politician received a box of Laxatives – the note says these should give you a good run for your money.
Women’s group with a sign to male voters. “Can’t get up to Vote? You may have Electile dysfunction.”
A squirrel sitting on the fence at a political rally lifts its little arms to the sky and says “thank you Lord. As the world gets crazier, the nuts are easier to find.”
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” — Mark Twain
NOT PC
Sign in Store Window – Attention thieves: please carry ID so we can notify your next of kin.
Save the Earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.
However, when I try to eat healthier, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
Unfortunately, there is no lifeguard in the gene pool.
We all care about the earth and must do our part to save the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars that nobody was using.
I went by the house I grew up in. I asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
An extremely over-weight man was being weighed and measured by his doctor. He grinned and said, “well doc, you see the problem is that obesity runs in my family.”
The Doc also grinned and said “no, the problem is that no one in your family runs.”
“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.” Mark Twain
Aging and Getting Older
Ask your doctor if that new medication with 32 pages of side-effects is right for you.
When you go for a tinkle, you may look in the mirror for wrinkles. Remember it’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.
A man is noticing his evolution in life and says “I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.”
The important thing to remember is simply that thing I just forgot.
A man reassured his doctor, “Doc, no worries about me. I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.”
When asked about possible dating, my single, older friend explained that “at my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.”
Quotations on Being an Elder
Below is a selection of numerous ANTI AgingWithPizzazz quotations that I dug up (some which I had to dust off as well). People often amuse others by expressing thoughts on Aging that they think sound humorous. I don’t buy into them all but can still smile, finding them entertaining. After all, smiles and laughs are part of our plan. drb
“To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” – Oscar Wilde
“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.” – Will Rogers
“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.” – Mark Twain
“Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” – Tom Wilson
“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.” – Ogden Nash
“At my age, flowers scare me.” – George Burns
“The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot
“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers
“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” – George Burns
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzon
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino, golfer
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”- George Carlin
“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” – Albert Einstein
“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain
“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg
“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns
“The idea is to die young as late as possible.” – Ashley Montagu
“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” – George Burns
“Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.” – Conan O’Brien
Final Thought
They say that ‘he who laughs last, laughs best.’ Let’s just say we all want to laugh as long as we can. Sure, have the last laugh, and the first laugh and as many in between as possible.
I admit that I went through dozens of joke videos to accompany this post, but they were so painfully bad it made me wonder how people could watch them so very often. Instead, here’s a video simply to make you smile.
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Picture credit: laughing stallion via Pixabay 178093-1280
