Are people over 50 years old interested in sex? Sure.
What about 60, 70, 80? Sure, Sure, Sure.
But sharing a bed is most often not about sex. Yes, really. It’s about sound sleep, physical comfort, stable mental attitude and quality aging.
I am lucky enough to live with a loved one – nothing to be taken for granted as we age. Additionally, we still share a bed. Problem is, as you get older, comfort can seem more difficult to achieve during sleep-time, yet it’s as vital as ever.
The thrashing, pulling, twisting is a sometimes-comic situation with which Laura and Rob Petrie never had to contend. [Remember that during the Dick Van Dyke show era, what the Chinese call “married beds” were not allowed on TV – a world apart from what’s allowed on the steamy screen today.] Conversely, It’s not unusual for people to complain that they cannot sleep when their partner is absent from their side. So for them, separate beds is not the way to ensure 50 extra winks.
A Few Tips
Perhaps obvious, is the solution that many of my (so-far-satisfied) friends have resorted to – spend many hundreds, or thousands, on a new adjustable bed allowing for personal comfort-calculations on each side (such as sleep-number beds). But that’s not for everyone’s pocketbook. Personally, I’m also not comfortable on any type of memory foam. It’s a true gift for many who find it terrific, but I can’t share their enthusiasm. I don’t like the materials, I find it hot in summer and it doesn’t offer the type of support I prefer. I’m not critiquing your taste if you are a foam fan. You like it. Fantastic. Enjoy. For the rest of us, how about other solutions?
People say travel is a great teacher; I’m living proof. A few years back, I learned two things about bedding while traveling in Europe; one of interest only to people owning unusual mattresses. We happen to have a European mattress combining box-spring and mattress in one. It’s getting older but I love the firmness and it remains in perfect condition. Once upon a time finding sheets for it was a hassle. For years I used water-bed sheets. As the trend toward water-beds declined (oh, thank you) the sheets became harder to find.
On a visit to Scandinavia, I had one of those ‘V-8-slap-your-head-duh’ moments. You were supposed to use a pillow-top mattress on it (your choice thin-to-thick) and tuck your sheets under it. No wonder Ikea sells so many. On a second continental trip I discovered an even more versatile concept. Some hotels in Prague and Germany used queen or king beds but with separate, individual duvets on top. We enjoyed it.
Upon coming home, I arranged a plan – one fitted sheet underneath as usual, but 2 twin sized top sheets (each folded to half of the bed) and separate twin blankets. As I wasn’t prepared to shell out for a whole new comforter set, I simply used my current one as top decoration.
What’s the advantage? When I am hot at night, I can push the bedding away. When he is cold, he can burrow tightly into the blanket. When one of us wants the sheet to chin, the other can have it at the waist. When I twist and turn, I feel free from guilt since I’m not bothering someone else’s sleep. Not perfect, but a good improvement for us. It’s perhaps a tiny bit more awkward in the snuggling department, but that’s way less time than the sleep realm. Also, don’t expect visiting guests to understand how to “make the bed.”
One day when I am flush with cash or totally bored of making the bed with fancy duvet and decorative pillows, I might go further. I may opt for the simple hotel-room style of separate comforters and a narrow coverlet at the foot bringing the look together. If those comforters happen to be breathable silk, well, I’ll be basking in delight.
Regarding other sleep relief, I hate to even whisper one old trick of firming up a mattress. BUT there will be old-timers out there who immediately think of it, so I do want to acknowledge its practicality. If you like your old (yet perfectly respectable) mattress, but would like more firmness, there is the timeworn and trite trick of placing a piece of plywood under it. This isn’t actually as easy as it sounds. It takes some strong muscle maneuvering. Still, it’s less costly and sometimes the sheet of plywood under half of the pad is the answer for the couple who is not satisfied with the same mattress or firmness. Analogy? As the old cowboy pot used over the fire to brew chicory coffee is to the lovely cappuccino home station; so is the partial plywood to a sleep number bed. The quality may be worlds apart, but both work.
Dilemmas can arise between sleeping partners. [Wait… Laura and Rob had their share of arguments and predicaments without being sleeping partners. Yikes, what if we added that element?] The mattress is firm, and one sleeper likes it that way; the other is uncomfortable, losing sleep and developing shoulder or hip pain. But the purchase of an expensive, automated Bed-for-2 is out of the question. That is what happened to Donald and Sylvia, two patients I still remember.
Surprisingly, while you might guess a reversed scenario, Sylvia, the one losing sleep and moaning about “sleeping on bricks,” was quite heavy. Whereas Donald was thin by any standards.
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They had purchased their good-quality mattress just several months earlier — mostly for Sylvia. Now she was feeling guilty about her grievances, especially considering the mattress price. Most manufacturers actually provide a “grace” period to decide if the feel is right for you, but it took Sylvia a few months to understand what was “happening to her.” And many people are timid about returning a mattress; too similar to returning their underwear. In addition to that, bringing a mattress into your house (or out) is always a bit disruptive and difficult work. Given this, Sylvia acted sheepish about any more grumpy protests.
I made inquiries about her sleeping positions, and she wasn’t doing anything dreadful. On her next visit complaints persisted. I suggested experimentation – buy a twin size ‘egg-carton’ foam pad for her side of the king bed, as well as a full-size body pillow.
Well, she never bought, or needed, the pillow because the foam pad did the trick. Sylvia’s pain was gone, she was sleeping “better than ever” and her husband got to keep the mattress that he loved. They were both happy together again — at least when they were sleeping.
Another tip for accommodating varying comfort levels is more expensive (although still not in the take-out-a-loan category of the automatic beds). Simply use two twin beds together as a king. This assumes purchasing both new, but it conveniently allows partners to pick their own comfort – a real luxury. For another small expense ($15 at Bed, Bath & Beyond) you can buy a ‘king-twin bridge,’ which does exactly what you would imagine: brings the beds together. One warning – some of these seem flimsy, don’t stay in place well or sink between the mattresses, but a good one will still do the trick. [Tip: wider ones are more helpful.] If you have the bedroom space for this king alternative, at least it will keep you both happy and close.
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As in the old Turtle’s song (remember them?), I am particularly lucky in the ‘happy together’ department. But even I get cranky if I am uncomfortable or losing sleep. I wonder how many other people could improve their health or happiness quotient simply by making a few changes to their bed – where they spend a good deal of their life.
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Recommended Reference:
I recommend this interesting site for information on better sleep and products to help you do just that – sleep better. Visit “Tuck – Advancing Better Sleep.” https://www.tuck.com/ Their tag line is “Everything you need for a great night’s sleep…..Evidence-based sleep health information, news, and unbiased product reviews.”
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Picture Credit: Bed and feet via Prinz-Peter at Pixabay
Note: I wrote a previous version of this article for the blog Sixty and Me.
