The Happiness Trap – How to Avoid Snares

I have a close friend who hates the word ‘happy’ and rather detests being asked if she is happy.   “It’s like a trick question” she once told me.   Yet, I know another man who adamantly insists that no matter what his mood changes are, he KNOWS that ‘happiness’ is the same as contentment (pure and simple).  Scholars aren’t so sure.  One answer might not fit all.

The “Happy World” is my short-hand for the POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY [1] field of scientists, professionals, writers, students, lecturers etc.  Within the Happy World there are a couple ‘givens.’  Research in this field seems to indicate that the brain is hard-wired to have a bias toward negativity.  Why?  Apparently it is truly evolution at work.  Here I am paraphrasing a scenario commonly given as an example.  Think of it this way – when our great great ancestors were hunting in the fields and heard rustling in the bushes there were two basic responses.  The negative reaction was something like ‘take care, it is a lion.’   The happy (positive) reaction was ‘oh, it’s just the nice warm wind.’   Well guess which type survived to continue to propagate the gene pool?  At least in part, we are hard-wired to a negative bias for safety purposes.

This frees me up to continue to repeat my favorite Bette Midler Quotation that I relate to so much, which is:

‘I am a great optimist – in my pessimistic way.’

Now that the lions aren’t as prevalent in our daily lives, it seems many of us battle with this bias toward negativity.   On the other hand, can we be ‘too’ happy?   Sneaky question of course – like any question that includes ‘never’ ‘always’ or some other extreme.  “Too” much of anything can be an extreme, right?   It is delicate because you feel like you should WANT people to be as happy as they can be.  But, YES, we can be too happy.   Too happy to the point we don’t pay enough attention to practicality and reality (detail to bills/finances, safety, family problems, commitments, avoiding normal negative reactions).  ‘Too’ happy can also mean TOO much focus on one’s self, which (maybe unexpectedly) is not that successful in assuring a happy life, as compared to doing things which you believe are meaningful.

Ultimately, I see a two-fold question – can we define happiness and can we ‘find’ it?

The answer to the first may be slightly easier than to the second part.  NO, we can’t define it.  At least we can’t define it in universal terms or for other people, but we can learn more to help us create a better balance and perhaps define happiness for our own life.

Getting back to my friend who dislikes the whole concept of happy, I understand her questioning about ‘what is it?’  I think I am often happy, but I couldn’t (always) say why or how.  I even felt the subject a bit boring – like why bother discussing it.  But I recently heard a series of lectures by Dr. John Kalb, author of Winning at Aging – Your Game Plan for Healthy Living [2]  which explored this issue of defining and finding happiness.

First, we have to realize how much (or how little) control we have over this happiness phantom.  You will have noticed a very special PIE chart above (anyone beginning to notice I like pie?).  The percentages may not be precise for each individual, but evidently research shows it is a fairly accurate picture for many of us.  The chart is not unique here or to the lecturer and is a widely accepted concept in the ‘Happy World.’  Common or not, for me just contemplating it for a time created a new outlook about how to evaluate what to let go of and what to continue pursuing.   Take another peak at it.

Set Point (the larger 50%) is, as its name implies, ‘set.’  It is basically out of our control and develops from our genetics and pre-verbal time of development.  It embodies the pre-disposition we have to certain approaches and is that hard-wiring I spoke of above.

Circumstances (the 10% sliver) denotes things we might have some vague role in, but are not in our immediate control.  Situations like losing a job, a loved one’s death or winning the lottery.  This is where most of us try to find happiness, but it doesn’t work that well and even after much hard work and time-intensive effort can still be disappointing – maybe most often is disappointing.  It can be a trap.  This is the place where you begin to realize that there is always someone smarter, richer, thinner, prettier, and people who have more, more, more of whatever it is you think you want – or at least what you think you are supposed to want.  Kalb points out that the research shows “our level of happiness is way out of proportion to our affluence.”  Translation: Money doesn’t buy you happiness.  Or as John and Paul would put it “can’t buy me love.”  Okay, I would still prefer more than less of the dirty lucre, but nevertheless it does only go so far on Maslow’s hierarchy.  The comforting good news is that this portion called ‘circumstances’ is only 10% of our happiness.

Intention (the 40%) is where our attention should be focused, because this is where we DO have control.

The 10% (Circumstances) is really the Happiness Trap while the 40% (Intention) is the Happiness Solution.  At least this gives us better odds if we want to play the game – and after all, what’s the alternative?

When we are no longer able to change a situation –
we are challenged to change ourselves.
—Viktor E. Frankl

 The ‘intention’ slice of pie represents our choices, our attitudes and our actions.  As a way to focus on this center of control, in his lectures, Dr. Kalb [3]  uses the acronym ‘I.A.A’ – ‘Intention – Attention – Attitude.’  These are 3 things we have control over and I.A.A. is a key to help jog our memory in daily determinations.  To help this effort he presents 16 “Intentional Activities’ but is quick to say even doing just one will help.

When interviewed and questioned about which of the intentional activities he thought people might START with, he choose one not so unique to him, but perhaps most ‘universal’ – the Gratitude Attitude.  While known to most of us, the Gratitude Attitude is still something that can change our perceptions.  To add a specific objective to the task, Kalb suggests “at least once a week spend a few minutes expressing gratitude or counting your blessings”  My first thought was ‘I’ll put it on my to-do list’ and then my second thought was ‘oh no, another thing on my to-do list.’  Kalb warns against making it another ‘chore’ and advises to ‘mix and match’ your techniques (try journaling, talking to others, contemplation etc) and do it for a month or two before evaluating the results.  To start quickly jot down or mentally note 3 things that you have been thankful for during the last week.  As I write this it is during the massive Nepal/Himalayan earthquake.  Hopefully, it is not a trite thing to say, but I can certainly list one of my 3 blessings as neither being there nor having a loved one on the mountain or in the villages.

 

Finding Happiness ?

Now to the second half of the two-fold question asking can we ‘find’ happiness?  Honestly, most often I wish it would just find me!  Plus I realize (both professionally and as a human specimen) that the better your body feels the better you feel emotionally, but there is more to the search.

There are many books and services out there regarding Positive Psychology and the brain science of what you can do for yourself.  While that is not the goal of this post (as I want to talk about stumbling blocks), it would be a disservice not to mention a few resources since their major approach is to help you transform your 40% Intention.  Who knows if it works or not?  I am not making assumptions or guaranteeing any results but then again I relate to being the ‘optimist in my pessimist way.’  In a section at the bottom called Toolkits for Happiness I have included a handful of well-known, interesting and respected sources.  But what about the stumbling blocks I alluded to?

Facing the Dark Side?

Knowing the Way is not going the Way
(One of my favorite sayings that I will try not to overuse)

Carol Jung coined the term ‘the shadow’ in relationship to our darker side.  Kalb says that simply put ‘the shadow is the part of us that we hide, repress or deny. ‘  It is also the reason that we behave badly at times, even when we KNOW we are being a down-right ‘creep’ or even acting against our own best interest.  It is the reason we get mad at a friend for arriving to dinner a few minutes late and ruin the rest of the night by stewing over it.  It is why we are furious with the barista for giving us the wrong size coffee and forget to enjoy it.  And certainly it accounts for the many times we yell at our spouse/kids/parents/friends for very little reason or why we spoil some good opportunity we have worked toward.  And on and on.

It is on this dark side that we hide our emotional wounds (and we all have them) – one question is whether we are hiding them from the world or ourselves as well.   We develop (to some extent or another) ways to deal with all these demon impulses.  However, more often than not they manage to sneak their scheming noses into that 40% area where we COULD be happier and instead blow their big schnozzles all over us.

I had forgotten that it was mostly a newsy letter to his friend that told about his journey; leaving his hometown, arriving in Paris, levitra on sale then to Cherbourg where he boarded the ship to cross the Atlantic. The use of ayurvedic oil massage brand viagra without prescription helps the body in many ways – It balances the endocrine system. Teachers often try to force students into activities creating an imbalance of power and thus become on line levitra deeprootsmag.org responsible for erectile dysfunction. These prescription pills help erectile dysfunction men who have experienced this problem because of cardiac problems, hypertension, diabetes need extreme care and attention of their healthcare provider in order to continue cialis sildenafil the medication accurately.

When I personally asked Dr. Kalb about this (the impulses – not the schnozzles), he replied “‘people KNOW what to do and they have plenty of resources to read about good habits and happiness and such.  So why are we not all skinny and happy”, he asked.  In his book, he writes that it is ‘during the second half of life, [that] the time is ripe to embrace our shadow.’

Kalb’s unique approach is the trademarked ‘Self-Sabotage Solution’.  He sees self-sabotage as saying one thing and doing another.  He believes his unique contribution is the solution to this sabotage – a way to make shifts, lower unreasonable expectations and take steps to achieve health goals.  The good part about his solution approach is that he is not just suggesting we do more of this and more of that; a lot of his suggestions are simply about doing LESS (I think I really like these parts, lazy slacker that I can be).

While there are some great and motivational strategies out there in the ‘Happy World’ (as referenced below), I was interested in Kalb’s approach to dealing with the way we ruin so many of those plans.  Even the rewards I offer myself in the pursuit of progress and happiness (see my Rewards post for a long list of fun stuff) don’t always pan out.  Luckily, I don’t have to say ‘rarely.’  Anyway, Kalb’s Quadrant of dealing with self-sabotage is a different way of looking at things BECAUSE you may decide that the goal you thought you wanted may not really be worth it TO YOU.  You might find there is an upside to the downside of your actions that will really get into your mind (spirit) and tinkle a new bell regarding your actions or attitude.

The only possible drawback to the quadrant questions is that you have to know yourself (maybe better than you want?) and you have to be honest – otherwise, why bother?    The questions in Kalb’s quadrants have to be answered both from the face we show the world and the face we hide from others.  While someone close to you (or a therapist) may help you explore these questions, no one can answer them for you as no one else knows WHY you should or should not do something.  Intrinsically included are the sub-questions of should you do more, or keeping with “lowering unreasonable expectations,” should you do less to get what you want?   [His book has much more helpful detail.]

Sounds simple, right?  Ha.  If you start exploring your OWN reasons (not those of family or society) you may find you don’t want some particular payback.  You might get secondary gain from losing out or having something go wrong.  It may not seem right, kind of like a booby prize – but it is YOUR booby prize.  It might be a worthwhile outcome to you (even if you would NEVER admit it to the world).

Sometimes playing it safe (NOT doing something) may have an upside.  You might drag your feet purchasing that beautiful vacation home and lose the sale, while inside be pleased by the removal of another financial drain.  There may be an upside to avoiding a success.  For instance, someone who hates public speaking or traveling may never want a successful book, as that would entail an extensive book tour.  Or there can be a downside seen by friends or family which secretly benefits you in some way.  An adored adult-child moving out-of-town may seem devastating from the outside, but might free you up for more discovery, traveling or less baby-sitting (even when you dote on the grandkids).  The unspoken (or unacknowledged) benefits, hidden or not, are real – whether emotional, physical or psychological.  Round and round, huh?

As Kalb explains it, the “process will help you achieve your goals by understanding your hidden resistance to change and the benefit you get out of not changing.”  Still, remember that sometimes no action or less action is OK.  It is the consciousness that matters most.

In his book, Kalb includes what he calls ‘LifeSavers’ which are exercises to help you walk through the whole process of increasing your happiness level.  I asked him which of these other people seem to get the most out of completing.  His answer was threefold.  Clarifying Core Values is the first and a lot more difficult exercise than it seems.   While it is easy for us to say we believe in this or that, the lifesaver activity drives you to winnow out the ideas and get down to 3 or 4.  Sounds easy until you see all the possible ideas.  [I can tell you that I cheated – and was ‘happy’ with myself when I got it narrowed down to six.]  His second was Pursuing Worthy Goals and again this pushes you to narrow down your realistic goals and to measure the timeliness and meaningfulness of them.  He also added that his lifesaver about Eating for Life is one that people give him positive feedback about since it provides an organic, physiological advantage on the improvement route.

Apparently issues in Q2 and Q3 are generally from the dark side,  but no matter whether answers comes from our ‘world face’ or ‘dark side’ the responses to these questions (in the privacy of our own minds) can bring us clarification.  Maybe we will resolve to do less, or be motivated to do more.  Either can make us happier.  We can’t know until we………..….KNOW!   As I said, it is being conscious of it all that truly counts.  That information which resides deep inside can help us make personal choices and avoid the snares of the Happiness Trap – at the same time making the 40% Intention slice of the pie way more tasty.
[This mixed metaphor works best if you believe there is no bad piece of pie.]

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TOOLKITS FOR HAPPINESS

Two on-line courses

1. The University of Pennsylvania has a an online ‘class’ called Authentic Happiness that teaches about Positive Psychology via videos, readings, participatory questionnaires, surveys, research review and other opportunities to work through your hang-ups and beliefs and toward a greater level of happiness. It is free (after you register). I can’t attest to what they do with the answers, but that information may be buried somewhere on the site. You can learn more about it and sign up at this link: https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/.
2. At UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center there is a mooc [4] class being ‘taught’ called the ‘Science of Happiness’.   I pushed this ‘Happiness Trap’ to the front of my ever-growing stack of subjects because there is free sign-up for this self-paced UC Berkeley class through May 2015. I have no idea if it will be extended or not. Speculating that some of their younger students have been profoundly affected by the 2008 recession, the center is seeking new ways to find meaning in life, while approaching the search from a scientific method. Considering that working for the greater good of humanity is a way to find meaning and thus happiness, the Center has stumbled upon an issue important to everyone – young OR old. There are daily activities to increase the success of your 40% pie slice. You can sign up for this self-paced course here.

Touchy-Feeling-Hold-Them-in-Your-Hands BOOKS

1. Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence by Rick Hanson, PhD. Harmony Books, NY 2013. This book takes hardwiring in a different direction. Using the same brain that has evolved to be negative (for good reason), the author shares ways to wire it for positive responses.
2. Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfilment by – Tal Ben-Shahar. See review here. This book covers all the course material of the famous Harvard class that got so much attention in the mid-2000s due to its immense popularity. Israeli-born author, Tal Ben-Shahar weaves in stories of his personal life with points of science. He describes positive psychology as “combining the charisma of self-help with the rigour of academia”. Available on Amazon or other on-line bookstores.
3. Positivity: Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity, and Thrive by Barbara L. Frederickson. (Also author of Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become).  Fredrickson has a great following, considered a world-leading researcher in the area of positive psychology and the ‘lab-tested tools’ needed to create more happiness for the life you would prefer. The two questions publicizing her book that draw me are: “What positivity is, & why it needs to be heartfelt to be effective” and “Why positivity is more important than happiness.”  See at Barnes & Noble.
4. The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky.  This is where the groundbreaking concept from work with thousands of clients on the 40% solution derived.  But it is not all theoretical; there are science-based strategies for increasing and changing your capacity for happiness.  Don’t think I am just recommending this because there is a pie on the cover!
5. The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self by Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Debbie Ford. Harper Collins Publishers, 2010.  The Shadow Effect  touts itself as a practical guide to both “harnessing the powers of our dark side” and sharing “knowledge on one of the most crucial obstacles to happiness we face – the shadow” (as touched on above).

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[1] Seligman, M.E.P. & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2000). Positive Psychology: An introduction. American Psychologist, 55, 514.

[2] Book available on website or also from Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Winning-Aging-Your-Healthy-Living-ebook/product-reviews/B005EHFHVG

[3] John Kalb also authored: Steamed Greens for the Spirit.

[4] Mooc.org is an edX destination. They state they are “working to help educational institutions, businesses and teachers easily build and host courses for the world to take.”

 

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