Earlier this month I attended the “Celebration of Life” for one of my brothers. Whether we designate these events as Memorials or by more modern nomenclature, they provide the same opportunity, to acknowledge a life and share in the loss.
It’s regularly surprising to hear accounting of quirks, recounting of narratives and meet friends of the person who has died. Laughs and smiles are often more frequent than tears. The stories we learn are keepsakes in our memory banks.
Bill’s was a sudden death, totally unexpected. Not uncommon, it followed closely behind the death of his partner, and grief undoubtedly played a role. However, it might warm the heart to realize that he was bouncing back and considering some delightful new adventures. It makes me reflect on the phrase that “Life Goes On” – until it doesn’t. Those who experience it that way rather than dying while deep in despair are the lucky ones.
Sharing Life Stories
A couple years ago, my very good friend Shelley died. Unlike my brother, her death was not quick. Despite one’s view of which is the ‘better way to go’ there’s an advantage of having time to settle up or say goodbye.
Before her death, I developed a list of 42 “Trips” to take with an unwell friend. Perhaps obvious, but I may need to mention that these are virtual trips into memory not exhausting adventurous excursions.
Bill and I did not grow up together and so I missed a lot of little life stories. I would have so liked to have had the opportunity to take these trips with him. Still, like my friend, he too had a guarded personality so it is unclear how much he would have cared to divulge. Yet it can be stunning what you hear even with discriminative sharing.
Years ago, businesses started opening that helped family members interview and record their loved one. Especially important to children who saw their elderly parents losing short-term memories, they wanted to document their long-term ones while they could.
I am certain that many a clan still cherishes that recording. Still, not all people are willing to partake in such story telling and even more tend to become hesitant in front of a camera or microphone. Conversely, these virtual trips are relaxed and can be explored in small chunks of time or between bouts of respite sleep.
As I first recounted in my blog 42 Good Memory Trips to take with a Dying Friend or Loved One, traveling along with your special companion is a gift to you both. When Shelley and I used this list of trips, we jumped from one important rumination or musing to another. I thought of it as the threads of time weaving a nostalgic tapestry.
Good Memory Trips
While I never had the chance to explore such thoughts with Bill, it reminded me how meaningful it can be. I am once again sharing my list of questions so that you, or those you share this with, will have it on-hand if the need ever arises. And as life progresses, we all realize that the need will arise.
My trip suggestions may be just the beginning that you add to fittingly. Perhaps you will adjust the list according to the relationship that you have with a person or the adventures for which you have joint recollections. Surprisingly, my high school friends can remember events, teachers or antics in vastly different ways than I do. That adds a layer of interest, occasionally to the point of amusing disbelief.
Quoting myself from the original post “In case you baulk at the idea that this has any reference to ‘Aging with Pizzazz,’ let me disagree. Being able to make the most of the time with someone close to you who is dying allows us special, intimate memories. It also grants them the avenue to recount their life to another.”
I admit that I hope neither you nor I will need this list anytime quite soon. Still, I trust it will serve you well as an appreciated, memorable experience when the time presents itself.
42 Trips to Take with a Dying Friend or Loved One
Good Memory Trip
- When was the first time you remember laughing?
- What was your favorite trip? (Exploring) What was your favorite vacation? (Relaxing)
- What was your favorite FAMILY vacation?
- Who was your best friend in grade school? High school? College?
- When was the first time you can remember just loving a particular food?
- What was your favorite game as a child?
- What personality trait of a relative do you remember admiring?
- What was your favorite animal? Talk about them. If it was a pet, what was its name?
- When was the first time you ever went swimming?
- How did you learn to drive a car? __ Tell me about your first car.
- What was your first GOOD date?
- What was your first job?
- What was your favorite job?
- How did you decide on a career? How did you (IF you did) decide to change careers?
- If you could have had a different career (anything), what would it have been?
- Talk about your favorite person you had a romantic involvement with?
- If you can remember dreams, what good dreams come to mind?
- When you purposefully try to relax and smile, what thoughts does it bring to mind?
- What was your favorite accomplishment, no matter what someone else would say it was?
- What physical activity have you enjoyed the most? Talk about one example of it.
- Did you ever play a sport on a team?
- What TV shows made an impression on you as a kid?
- What is your earliest memory of being out in nature?
- Did you ever make a craft that you were proud of? Did you ever give a craft to someone?
- What is the best thing a parent ever said to you other than I love you?
- How would you physically describe your childhood home – what was your favorite place in it?
- Where did your parents (and/or grandparents) grow up? How did they make a living?
- Do you know any stories of their courtship and marriage?
- What special memories do you have of your parents and grandparents?
- What was your earliest childhood memory?
- Was there someone other than a family member, who greatly influenced the course of your life?
- What do you remember best about playing a musical instrument?
- Do you consider yourself a person of the ocean or the mountains? City or Country?
- What chores did you have to do growing up?
- Did you have any hobbies besides playing a sport or musical instrument?
- Did you ever do anything really crazy like a college prank or practical joke?
- What is the most trouble you ever got into at school?
- What do you consider the most risky moment (or decision) you’ve faced?
- Who was your favorite teacher?
- What philosophy was prevalent in your childhood home – “it takes a village” or “pull yourself up by your own boot-straps?” Did it stick with you?
- Do you remember a favorite toy?
- What words would others used to describe you – as a kid? As an adult?
FINAL THOUGHT
If you take a trip with your loved one, keep a couple things in mind. Be gentle. Don’t Rush. And remember that sharing your own stories is part of the process of a relationship.
Regarding our personal memories, this is a good reminder to appreciate our OWN time, as we age. I will take any inspiration that motivates me to use this always-too-limited time in the fullest ways I can.
I want the threads of time to wrap me in that warm tapestry of memory.
I wish you occasions for extra momentous and evocative ‘trips’ with someone special in your life. And if in doubt – don’t wait.
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–Credit: Image by Steve Bidmead from PixabayShare This: 
